During this pandemic in our world, it is so hard to know what life will look like from one week to the next week. I am a planner by nature. If we go on vacation, I want it fairly mapped out what we are doing and when. I even schedule rest breaks. Not a ton of spontaneity in this girl!

God has been really stretching me in this area since we all have entered lockdown. I have many health problems, and most are under control and I haven’t needed to se a doctor. I have rescheduled appointments hoping life will be back to normal when they come around. But what is normal? “New normal” seems to be the most popular phrase right now related to COVID-19.

I have one problem that hasn’t allowed me to postpone visits. I have glaucoma in the only functional eye that I have. I’m blind in one eye completely except for light. We have been working so hard to try to keep my eye pressure down in my good eye. If the glaucoma pressure increases too much for too long it can cause irreversible blindness.

Since last August, I have been going to the doctor frequently, sometimes once a month, sometimes every two weeks, keeping close watch over the situation. Of course, during a pandemic, surgery is a very last resort.

I went to the eye doctor last Tuesday. I knew in my heart my eye pressure was bad. I had been battling a migraine for well over a week and it was so bad I had symptoms I don’t even normally have with my migraines.

I was right, pressure is supposed to be about 16-18 points. Mine had risen from 26-32. That was far too high for comfort.

This doctors visit was hard for many reasons, a big one was that my husband couldn’t be with me during the appointment. Only the patient was permitted to enter the building. My husband usually thinks through questions and helps me make a decision quickly with the doctor. This time I had to do it on my own.

We discussed how the quarantine had caused extra stress in my life and there is a small correlation between glaucoma and stress. Because school is winding down, and things are slowly beginning to open again, I decided my stress level may significantly decrease over the next couple of weeks. The doctor agreed to give it a try and I made the appointment for two weeks from that appointment.

As we drive home and discussed my options, I realized I had changed a medication from four times daily to a 24 hour eye drop. I called my local pharmacy and found that usually the four times a day has a better outcome just because you are using it more. The 24 hour one tends to taper off.

I also hit upon a realization, I was panicking at the idea of surgery. Right now, surgery centers are asking for you to be dropped off and picked back up when you are done, no loved one may stay with you before or after. I had two very scary difficult surgeries about two years ago. They were surgeries number 16 and 17 of my life. Then I went on and had number 18 even after that. I had three hospital borne infections, one of those surgeries was to replace a hip they had already replaced. But every person who had any contact with me had to suit up much like you are seeing with those treating virus patients today. I went to sleep not knowing if I would wake up and I hadn’t been able to see my children to say goodbye.

I also, since having so many surgeries, wake up from the anesthesia very panicked. I always ask them to take my glasses from me after I’m asleep and put them in before they wake me up. With a surgery on my good eye, I will be blind, because of swelling and potentially a patch they have to put on.

So between my fears of surgery, waking up blind, and not having my husband with me, I just don’t think I can go through with the surgery. I know God is bigger than my fears and if worse comes to worse, He will see me through. But I explained this to the doctor later that evening and asked him if we were missing even the smallest thing to try. He said there was an oral medication that worked for glaucoma. The only issue was the bad side effects. But I was all in. Anything we can try to hold off surgery for as long as possible is absolutely ideal for me.

Quarantine has been hard on everyone. Many have very severe health issues, far more than I do. This situation has given me new insight on how to pray. Healing often is better when you have loved ones with you. So many people are having surgery and being hospitalized alone. Sometimes God refines us in ways we just are sure we don’t want and almost just as sure we can’t handle. But He sees the bigger picture. He doesn’t have blind spots. And the only time being blind is really good is when we are blindly trusting our Savior to do everything perfectly for His glory and our good. Our job is to take one step at a time, even in the darkness, realizing that The Light is illuminating just enough of the path that we need to see. And He is the light at the end of our tunnel. We are never alone with Jesus.